Thoughts, What Dreams May Come

Thinking Of Someone

Most days, I find myself staring into space.

Some days I let my mind wander, some days are just hard to bear. When I let myself look back, I see him. I see how much weight he lost. I see his protruding bones. I notice how defined his nose was. I see his darkened, flaky skin. I also see how much pain he’s in. It breaks my heart all over again. It enrages me.

This disease ate him alive.

It ravaged his body, mind and soul. He fought the good fight until he couldn’t anymore. When he was too weak, I did the fighting for him. I prayed like I never prayed before. I begged and bargained. I cried, I screamed and prayed some more. Then I surrendered. When he stopped speaking and couldn’t move anymore; when he couldn’t open his eyes and breathing became difficult, I let him go. I told him I knew he was tired and I gave him permission to rest. I told him I loved him and asked him to watch over us. The next day, as I was watching him, he caught his last breathe. I watched as people came in his room, crying and yelling. I watched as they took him out from his room in a body bag. I kept watching until there was nothing more to watch.

I cry for my brother.

I cry because of the pain he went thru. I cry because of my own pain. I cry because he’s gone. I cry because I miss him. I learned crying is a way for your eyes to speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken your heart is. The tears will keep flowing. Kuya Bot, you were my first friend. My love for you knows no end.

When the pain is too much, I close my eyes and I think about you and me when we were kids watching Kermit and Ms. Piggy and everything is good again…


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